It has all these trillions of pathways and functions. Then, occasionally, you get someone like that woman in Costa spindly arms sticking out of her hospital gown, bandaged feet wedged into bashed up slip-ons, wincing with tiny each step, and you think yes- exactly.Ī human brain is amazing.
This isn’t a shopping centre, and they should really stop pretending it is, stupid silly escalator. The sweet smell of flowers and coffee and are almost enough to make you forget where you are, but I’ve listened to the conversations around this place and I can tell: people are scared. The security guard needs to turn down his radio, the ‘bleep… bleep’ sounding way too much like a respirator, and how many patients actually use that beauty salon? Nothing like a post-haemorrhoidectomy manicure. To get there, I have to walk through the central atrium and pass a florist, a Costa, a WH Smiths, a beauty salon and an escalator. Take a deep breath, say something like ‘Right’, and just head for the big old map. You’re gonna be here a lot, so don’t panic about not knowing your way around the first time. Visiting hours are over now I’m afraid, and you can’t take food on to the ward.’ And on, and on, and ON until you just wanna give up and go home! The thing is, if you’re not going in through A&E or Outpatients, the chances are your sick person is proper sick. Do you know what ward they’re in? Are you the next of kin? No? Then what is your relationship to the patient? Your name please. The average hospital receptionist wants simply to ask you bags of questions that you do not want to answer: ‘Name please, no - name of the person you’re visiting. People are basically eating it up, I may even submit this for my media coursework. The last episode got three likes and a retweet.
I want to share my knowledge, so others can learn from it. Maybe I need to keep it more general, or people won’t believe me. Steer clear! Hmm, but maybe this bit is too specific to this hospital, her hospital.
She doesn’t have time to be rude, she’s got to help save lives goddamt! The main hospital receptionist is bored, mean, and normally has a mouth like a dried up grape. The chances are, your previous hospital experience is limited to frantic visits to A&E after having chopped off a finger (middle class listeners) or getting in a fight (everyone else). When arriving at a hospital main entrance, do not approach the receptionist. I am a web radio superstar, a hospital expert, a life expert, phone at the ready, ideas at the ready, stomping down the brown line with a flick in my hips. She gets a pin up smile and the middle finger, then I’m off. I turn around, that bitch-faced receptionist is eyeing me again. Might have to scratch that bit anyway, no one calls says ‘clap clinic’ these days. … Today in episode four I’ll be guiding you through the broooown zooone, yes that’s right kids, put on your best pants - we’re going to the clap clinic! Pause. Might even get some real live human being listeners! I press record, and whisper. Are they for real? A brown zone, for the clap clinic? That is too good. Maternity (pink), episode one- but basically Fort Knox, had to sit outside and make most of it up Outpatients (blue), episode two- brilliant, pure weirdos and chavs Limb Fitting (purple), episode three, chucked out after trying to interview a paraplegic-and GUM, (brown). I skim my nail across the plastic, checking off completed wards in my head. The brain of an average person has about 86 billion nerves in it: neurons, axons and dendrites, all linked by 100,000 miles of synapses-about as far as I’ve walked around this bloody hospital (a conservative estimate). Hundreds of thin lines and coloured patches, pink zone connects to orange connects to green, connects to yellow miles of pathways branching out and through a maze of parts and bits and rooms. Each hospital wing has a colour connected by matching lines, so that people (or, the terminally stupid), can get about. Today, on episode four…īut I can’t record and plan out my route at the same time, so I press pause and look up at the map. That podcast has mysteriously disappeared cause well, that’s just what they do. If you missed out on Volume One, ‘Fathers’ then tough. Don’t forget! If you missed episodes one to three of this volume ‘Hospitals’, you can catch up now online. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you, the listeners, for checking in each day. Welcome back to The Sabrina James Guide to Life Vol II. Nina Reece is a Londoner, teacher and writer you can find on Instagram: short story is a work in SJ Guide to Life
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